Many of us struggle with creating positive habits.
Since consistency is the key, how consistent do we have to be? How long does it take before a new action – writing, exercising, studying, working – becomes a habit, something we do automatically, without deflating our energy?
The field of personal development offers several answers: 21 days. Or 28 days. Or 40 days.
Hmm… 10 years ago I listened to a radio show about weight loss. The woman who was interviewed stated that it took her 9 (yes, NINE) years to create health habits that helped her maintain her ideal weight without significant effort.
My frontal lobe nearly crashed under the gravity of such a statement. 9 years to create a habit!
It can’t be.
We are collectively doomed.
Needless to say, I loved the 28-day version way more than the 9-year version, until I heard about the 21-day version which I loved even more.
Until I put it to practice.
My goal was to create a habit of exercising 6 days a week for 30 minutes every day.
The first 21 days went well. I was pumped, I was fit, I was happening.
On days 22, 23, and 24 I easily and convincingly talked myself out of exercising. Clearly, the 21-day plan did not work.
Neither did 28- or 40-day plans.
I kept going.
After 8 months I hit a serious wall. It felt like pulling teeth, I had to drag myself by the hair to hit that exercise mat. Somehow I ploughed through, and it wasn’t until 2 and a half years later that I could comfortably let go of actively making myself exercise.
The truth is, there is no study to back up the 21- or 28- or 40-day promises.
Creating habits is not fast, and ‘one size’ fits exactly what it promises – one.
We really shouldn’t be surprised. For example, when I look at my 11-year-old kid struggle with something as simple as creating a tooth-brushing habit, that 9 years looks like a great option.
You see, he’ll be 12 in a month, and like a malware ad in your computer, I ask more than twice a day, Did you brush your teeth, dude?
It goes like this:
[Scene: 7:45 am at the front door, putting shoes on, about to get in the car to go to school.]
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
#: Can you pass me my back bag, please?
Me: Since you said please, here. Did you brush your teeth?
#: Huh?
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
#: Umm … yes.
Me: [With a look that could tame a dragon] Let me ask again, did you brush your teeth?
#: Who cares about brushing teeth all the time!
Me: Go brush your teeth!
#: This is so stupid! [Goes to the bathroom, sloshes around and comes back 30 seconds later.]
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
#: Yes! Smell!
Me: You are supposed to brush them for 2 minutes. Get back in there and BRUSH YOUR TEETH!
More than a decade with a personal motivation coach (me) and he still doesn’t have a 2-minute habit down.
Perhaps the more important question is not how long does it take to create a habit, but
why does it take so long?
Here’s the deal. Every morning when you wake up you get a new chance.
Yes, you.
ALL of you. T
The best of you AND the worst of you, the shadow. Not just the positive, motivated, and success-oriented you, but also the procrastinating, argumentative, and I-might-die-tomorrow-so-why-bother you.
There you go.
We forget that your shadow is just as excited and pumped up about the new chances – chances to sabotage and commit treason against your highest self, who also shows up excited and pumped up to achieve some goals.
The solution?
Simply accept that these two prima-donnas audition for the lead role every morning. The more stage time one gets, the stronger the performance at the future auditions, the more partial the judge – you.
All that matters is the moment of judgement.
If I nag at my kid every morning about brushing teeth, without worrying about the future full of rotten teeth, it will eventually become automatic – it has happened to millions of people, you included.
If I nag at myself every lunch-hour to work out, it will eventually become a habit – it has happened to millions of people, I included.
Does it happen in 2 months, 2 years, or 2 decades?
Don’t worry about it. Just as my kid states, ‘you might be dead by then.’
Just accept that to create a habit, all you ever have to focus on is reaching the sundown with the best possible cast, every day.
March 23, 2019 at 4:20 am
Love it. And so true!